Drawing Through Dark Times

How my picture book was selected for... cancellation.

Rewind to 2023, when I got my first book deal. I told EVERYONE. Even my dental hygienist knew how excited I was, and asks for updates every time I sit in her chair.

The bookmaking process was nothing short of joyful. I couldn’t wait to get to my desk every day to write, sketch roughs, explore characters, and paint. Working with a team of pros was incredible. I loved getting critiques on my work and implementing changes to make the book better.

I turned in final art in July and anxiously awaited the publisher’s feedback. When it finally arrived in the form of email, it made my blood run cold — they no longer wanted to publish my book.

After a teary, sweary meltdown, my mental health took a nosedive. Insomnia and peak levels of anxiety became my new normal as I worked out what needed to happen next with the agent. Any joyful memories of the process were easily be replaced with feelings of worthlessness and despair.

I’d ruminate on thoughts like:

“Why did I ever think my art was good enough to be in a book?”

“No one will want to work with me now.”

“Is Trader Joe’s hiring? Would they even hire me?”

Contractual obligations kept me from sharing this news until now. Holding my feelings inside during the termination process was hard. My heart still races every time a well-meaning friend, family member, or dental hygienist, asks about the book.

It hasn’t been a pretty journey, but it would have been a lot uglier without this community. Sharing my practice and showing up to draw with you has given me hope and optimism when lifting a pencil or paintbrush seemed utterly unthinkable. Thank you so much for being here for me.

I drew this spooky still life in Emma Carlisle’s Patreon session.

I didn’t write this to scare you away from working with publishers and I’m not even going to try to pretend I know anything about the industry. This is just my personal experience and it left me feeling pretty broken. It’s been like that high school heartbreak where you think your world is ending. My art career isn’t over, but I know it’ll never be what I imagined.

Life, like an art career, is full of surprises. Writing, drawing, and painting are there to help us cope with the bad ones.

I hope my experience can be a reminder to keep going and creating during the dark times. That’s when we need it most.

All we can do is try, learn, and keep going.